Morning meditation forty two slash three sixty five

I don't want to be here. i am angry and sad. And I want to believe that if I type it here, I won't bring it up to her, because I shouldn't. But a part of me thinks that by typing it, it makes the feelings stronger and with that I will tell her even more convincingly.

That even make any sense? I want to go back to typing for imaginary Connor. I want to type and believe that somebody is understanding, and learning from my mistakes.

I typed all this, by the way, with a few back spaces to fix clumsy typing, but no typos or spelling mistakes.

I don't want to see her with somebody else. Ever. I don't want to be friends with her because some day in the future she will be with somebody else, happy and laughing and attending meetings together and I don't want to see that.That was supposed to be me.

Anyway. The meditation says I am supposed to wait patiently for god's instructions. Trying. The AlAnon book was all about the first step still. I can't fix this. Which is also true.

I pray now that I remember to pray later. I don't want to argue or confront her later, and I pray for the patience to pause and reflect and let the good stuff keep happening.

Let's see how it goes, then, shan't we?