Morning meditation thirty one slash three sixty five

One month down on this daily routine. And  i am back to doing what I am supposed to be doing. I had a rough two days, my own doing, and relying on god and trusting him were no the back burner. I asked this morning for more guidance and strength. I want  to do the right thing, I want to be a better person, and help me to get there.

I need a two by four or something, not when it's too late, but a little sooner.

Anyway, the day ahead involves all of us working together while a crane delivers stuff up to the roof. Then a lot of alone time, gathering newspapers and taking down that pool table. Not a full day, but I will find things to occupy myself, productive ways to fill the time.

After work I need to get rent money, get stamps, get a bike tube and shop for the weekend. And try to get to the meeting. i am a little stressed about all that. It will work out though, the way it's supposed to.

That's it. Somehow I am not leaving myself as much time to write. I will go back to getting up ten minutes earlier.

See you tomorrow.

Morning meditation twenty nine slash three sixty five

Good morning. I still don't want to be here, but I have a better attitude about it at least. I have not yet actually prayed either. Been kind of talking to god and sort of feeling his presence this morning, so I will say the words after I stop typing.

I am late already. But I am not going to work this morning, so I have an extra ten minutes. Which is all ready used up before I got here, and at least I have the few minutes to write rather than going outside to meet Mary for my ride to work.

The day ahead is about going to Connor's school. Some assembly to introduce the STEM program to us. It's a lottery, but you need to maintain higher grades to qualify. I don't know, I liked the original plan better, but at least what they are offering (if he makes it through the lottery) is a very decent education. So I may or may not end up at work this afternoon. My preference earlier was to get there, but now I want to come home and rake leaves. I officially join the downtown group tonight, then have chicken for dinner (quesadillas probably), and that wraps up my day.

Still didn't get to the morning meditations here. Honestly I was very sleepy while reading them, and that's not meditation. I am riding my bike over to Connor's school, and I can pray and sort of meditate during the ride.

So I am off. Enjoy yourselves.

Morning meditation twenty nine slash three sixty five

I still haven't shut my head off this morning. Which means screw her, screw the program screw god. You know? I am not in that place but I feel like I am fighting it. I want to be done with it all, why bother? Because I am not getting my way. I don't like feeling like this but I am not always able to stop it. Did my prayers as best I could this morning, and I am actually here typing for a minute at least.

Pray for the willingness to be willing. I am trying, and I am starting to cry again, and I will do my best to rely on the serenity prayer today.

best wishes to all yall.

Morning meditation twenty five slash three sixty five

Good morning World. I don't have my thoughts organized yet, and I am still sleepy. There is no microwave, and rather than making fresh coffee this morning I decided to use what was left from last night by heating it on the stove. So it's a little burnt. And I read my meditations, and showered, and dressed before sipping on it. Out of my routine here, and everything is a little off.

The meeting last night was about the ninth step. Kathy is sharing on the steps, one per week. I had a thought about it, but seem to have lost it. I am still thinking about being out of sorts this morning. I could not organize my thoughts in the shower, until finally I got a third step prayer out.

As far as looking ahead to the day, There are no amends that I owe. It should be a good day and I should be able to help people. Thy will not mine be done.

So this is another short post. I need to get some more coffee and get off to work. But it will continue to improve. My fingers, too, are killing me. The cold weather and the moving have them all cracked and torn. I remember typing about this last winter some place as well.

Wish me luck? Nah that's selfish. Enjoy your day.

Morning meditation twenty four slash three sixty five

I am back online and able to blog again. I don't want to, I am tired this morning. But I will get back into the discipline. I don't have anything to type right now, either. Charlie passed yesterday morning. I cried at work when it hit me because I remembered my mom passing. She could no longer talk to us she would look at us for those few hours while we gathered around her. Finally we gave her the morphine to ease her pain. She slept for the next ten hours and then stopped breathing.

That was probably what Charlie's family was going through yesterday. I related and feel for them.

And I am just about out of writing time already. Ouch. I will get back into the writing, get here earlier tomorrow.

have a great day. Nice to see you again.

Morning meditation eighteen slash three sixty five

Yeah there are a couple of days missing. I did not blog, the pages were not torn out. Various reasons, some of which are valid, and some that aren't.

It's moving day today. That comes with a wide range of emotions, but at the moment.. No, it isn't peace, but I am not crying either. Two things I wanted to put down on paper here, before i go. The first happened while arguing with Kristin yesterday (That was a rough day). My anger was climbing and I got close to yelling at her, well, maybe i sort of was already, and  I realized and told her that I wasn't angry with her. I was at the situation. I was hurt and maybe frightened. But I was yelling at her due to habit, not because i was actually mad. Somewhat profound there.

The other thing, from the One Day at a Time book, this morning. It says to pray for faith. which is an interesting paradox. I am hoping to try that today.

Bye.

Morning meditation thirteen slash three sixty five

It's a Sunday, and I am out of sync a bit. Didn't plan on getting out of bed, haven't showered or prayed yet. read my meditations. I spent much of yesterday not thinking about her, crying when it came up. I geocached most of the day. Got a flat tire while downtown again. I did make it to the meditation meeting and the 11th step.

Today I may or may not go geocaching. I should get on my bike at some point at least. Play on the computer, meet with Danny at two and watch the Pat's play football.

This isn't a depression. I am in a funk, though. Which is not surprising, but am I pulling out of it? I lost the train of thought there. I will maybe actually do more writing today.

Morning meditation twelve slash three sixty five

After all that texting to Kristin this morning, I do not feel like typing. This is where I am supposed to be typing, i know. Not to her. It was a rough night. Stupid actions and lousy dreams.

The twenty four hours ahead should be okay. Except for the missing her constantly part. Even when I know I do not want her back, when I understand i am feeling only some loneliness, it still bothers me. I get these moments when I think I would give up Connor to be with her. how horrible is that? And when you read this in the future, Connor, hopefully you remember how my brain works. I know you relate, and hopefully you have a better way of coping with your brain waves. I think that you will. I see in you better mechanisms than I possessed. You must get those from your mom's side of the family. Anyway, Connor is the one thing that keeps me from driving off a bridge. He is the one person who keeps the thought from even entering my head. if there is anybody in the world who shows unconditional love for me, it is him. I thank him, and show him best I can when I spend time with him.

So I know how sick i can be in my relationship with Kristi, and yet I still miss it. But this is also how I know that I will recover. I will keep typing and praying in the morning, and things will get better and I will be a part of god's plan, the greater whole.

So the twenty four hours ahead include sending Barbara her Christmas gift, while she is still in California. Also going out to Kroger for milk and stuff. Don't forget the toilet paper. Bike riding, geocaching, and hopefully the 7 pm meeting. Maybe even the meditation before that.

Keep praying for me. It works. And I meet up with my sponsor tomorrow.

Morning meditation eleven slash three sixty five

Just about unbearable. I cried again last night, almost all night. Have people slowed on their praying for me, perhaps? I spent time following her at work. Helping her out and talking, like friends. She is okay with that. She can go on after and be fine, and I end up curled in a ball because I am not getting enough of it. Went to a meeting at 730, and by the time I was home again I was in tears, and they would not stop until about two this morning.

And I have to do it all over again today. I am scared and angry and hurt, and I don't want to face the day. Which is worse. And I am likely again to have conversation with her, and the weekend is going to be horrible. I know, i am not in the twenty four hours ahead of me right now. Writing to try to set my head straight again before we go to work.

Read the seventh step prayer this morning. I really do want to recover from this. The fact that I cannot sit at home, and take my bike to meetings, and come home and curl up, exactly like I did when I was brand new, does not escape my notice.

The AlAnon book had a story about not exaggerating our troubles, wearing a smile instead of always complaining. I related, to chasing off friends and to adding to my despair. I feel a little bit like I am back at the beginning again, after last night. The Hazelton says to pray only for strength and for god's will. I am trying.

Morning meditation ten slash three sixty five.

Good morning imaginary readers. There does not seem to be anybody here along for the ride, but I still like to think that there is somebody there reading along. I like to think that Tricia is out there somewhere.

And I slept in again an extra twenty minutes. there is still time to write here in the mornings. I don't think I can justify this as meditation, honestly. But it is working and it will hopefully evolve organically, and I am going to keep at it. Not sure if I can call it prayer, either, though. I still read the meditations then pray in the shower. If I don't sleep in that ten minutes, maybe I can pray after the shower, after I write, since I am even now mostly not awake. I did not stop and pause a whole lot yesterday, but I remember saying a couple of little prayers here and there, while walking or getting into the golf cart.

I feel like it is evolving into where it should be anyway. And I made it into the double digit days of actually writing in the morning.

Still mad at god. That was what was happening during prayer this morning. When I share outside of my head, and i talk about not liking god, it may appear that i do not believe, that I do not pray to a higher power. That is not the case though, even as I am mad I still know, completely, there is a god who guides my life. He gave me sobriety and he gave me the freedom from smoking. I don't necessarily want to give up the rest, even after twenty five years of practice with this thing. But I am mad because he should know me by now. He should know that at some point everything turns off. I don't seem to be able to control it, and my life turns to shit yet again, and I come back to him for help. I don't know where that trigger point is. But shouldn't he be more loving, more forgiving, more apt to help me realize that it is happening again, and help me to stop doing it?

Yes I see clues in hindsight. Sitting here now on the path to recovery it is easier to see how things affected me and how I turned away. I know about free will, and about him letting me go if I want to. But he should know also that I do not want to, and do something more to keep me in his spirit. Same as why I am mad at my home group, as well, it seems.


Anyway, not sure about the meditations again this morning. AlAnon was directed at living with the sober alcoholic. Well, I guess it was geared toward helping others, even now that our other has recovered and we feel we do not need AlAonon anymore. I can understand that reasoning. The little black book... oh yeah. I opened it again just now, and it is about finding humility. About being stubborn and not asking for help and letting our pride take over.

Irony. Do you see it? Is it as blatantly obvious to you, imaginary reader, the contrast between those last two paragraphs, as it is to me?

Okay, I am ready to get out there in the world, for the next twenty four hours, and see what i can give.

Adieu

Morning meditation nine slash three sixty five

Let's get to the writing part. I stayed up too late to watch Django Unchained. Too much caffeine, and a restless sleep. Slept in ten minutes later and now I am feeling a bit rushed, even though I have time before the ride gets here. So what am I facing the twenty four hours ahead?

Kristin should be back to work. It is weird without her there, and it's weird when she is there. I haven't texted her, haven't talked to her in almost forty eight hours. Seems like a lifetime on this side of the fence, though. I am starting to catch up on work, filters. I need to get to the post office soon. i am starting to stress about finances again. Need to call water and electric. I need to figure out a way to get a car.

Half of that is not for the next twenty four hours anyway. Stop and breathe and regroup, throughout the day if I need to. Still need to say my prayers for the morning.

In the books this morning, it talked again about trusting and relying upon god. Duh. The AlAnon was really good about expressing it. He has offered me the gift of faith. That is a nice way to think about it. The other one talked about not fearing the strains of life, because he knows what I can bear for the next twenty four hours.
Okay then, god. I will put my faith into you today completely. As best i can, and when I forget will you gently remind me that I am not? I am still sad that she is gone. I want what is best for her, and I know my mistakes caused all of this to happen, or facilitated it anyway. But I want her back, and I will do my best to give her to you and your protection again, regardless of what happens between us. I am mad at you god, but I have faith in you as well, that there is a place closer to you where you need me to get to, and I place my direction in your hands.

Peace.

Morning meditation eight slash three sixty five

Where am I at this morning? Woke up about three thirty, then slept through until the alarm went off at six fifteen. Which was nice. Tried my seventh step prayer, then my third step prayer. Sort of did them both, wondered as I was praying if I was just mouthing the words. The book talks about when we cannot pray for something we pray for that willingness to come. About all I have is the willingness, and I remember having that alone as a newcomer as well. So the faith is there, that tiny mustard seed kernel of faith. 

I just don't wanna. I whine. Healing means I will get over her, and i don't want to, even when I understand that I  will. Because the alternative is jails institutions or death.

I got home last night after eight o clock, spent time with Connor, and cried. Then it passed. I almost texted her about feeling better (she went home sick) and that passed as well. sigh. This morning I know she isn't coming back, and part of me does not want her back anyway. Because of all those resentments! But I know I will work through those, and when she finally works through hers, she may want a relationship and I don't think I will want one with her by then. It's really over and done. I am sad. I am incredibly hurt and sad, but i am typing this without crying as well. Probably that sliver of anger now, as protection, that I am trying to give back to god. I ask her for closure, meaning i wanted her to come over and cry with me (so I can hold her again). I want to sleep with her one more time. Well, sex I mean, because I want to fall asleep with her every night. I miss that the most.

All this is prolonging the inevitable, and I think I can go on the rest of my life, accept that she is gone.

None of this, really, was about my day yesterday either. Which is different.

So where am I now? What's the meditations for today? I didn't get the AlAnon too much, so let's start there.Okay, it says that even with the difficulties, I will count the blessings that sobriety offers. Hopefully when I am in my office, feeling low, I can physically write a list.

See, the other book also talks about having peace in difficulties. It was 24 years ago I started reading this book, a different copy of it because I remember folding down all the corners as I went, and the book got weird shaped after a while. Now hopefully the words bring me where I should be again.

It's still dark. My ride is coming early. Enjoy your day, imaginary readers.

Morning meditation seven slash three sixty five

I slept a little more at peace yesterday. Woke up a few times still, but I was able to return to sleep quick enough. Texted to Jeff and Danny, that might have had something to do with it. i still sent an angry text to Kristin, but called her as well and acted grown up.

I still cry though. mostly I am sad at what I lost. them I am angry, either blaming her or mad because her actions now are not nice. I will get over it. But like I wrote already, that just means it was not something special. And now I am turning forty eight, and still looking for whatever it is i think is supposed to be special.

I remembered yesterday who I am. I am the guy who planned on dying alone in a cave. Remember? I need to figure out where that thought originated, and whether or not I believe it.Was there a point where I thought, or felt, that AA made me a different person? I am not sure. And should it? I don't know, and I alternated last night about accepting who I am and crying because that is who I am.

So how to deal with today. I want to run, and hide, and not face her. I want to not have to cry when I see her. I don't know. I don't think I actually prayed today. Not sure that I  meditate either. But at least I am writing, and trying in the mornings to start off better. The AlAnon book says to not suffer over the actions of others.My one problem is to improve my own way of living and of looking at life. There is a lot of truth to that.

And then the Hazelton book says to see god's meaning in life.Which reminds me that I am angry at him too. I know, blaming god for my own problems. I was trying to compare this to when I came into AA, new to sobriety. I had no anger with god. There just was nothing about him. It did not matter if he were real or not. I guess I blamed society for my difficulties, because I still do. But I pretty much remember giving the alcoholism to god. I remember being willing to believe in this thing. I was twenty one, I had everything in front of me. Now I am old, still screwed up, I rely on him, I think. For my sobriety at least. maybe that's the catch. I miss White Hat. i was healthy around him. I am not sure that I want to grow now. Not sure I want to put the effort in, and would rather wallow around in this misery. I know that is wrong, and that if I keep doing this, I won't feel that way or act that way. But that's where I am sometimes.

Have a day yall.

Morning meditation six slash three sixty five

I failed miserably yesterday at staying out of her way and not being hurtful. then to make matters worse, Kat decided  to have some kind of breakdown through messaging me, to let me see exactly how I was making Kristin feel.

Live and learn?

I am rooting hard for Josh and Stephanie. She's trying to get better, he stuck it out with her.

The meditations this morning (Connor is still beside me, sleeping), is about discipline. gee, ya think I need that? Training myself to be better, do better, every day. Try not to fall short today Robert.

bye.

Morning meditation five slash three sixty five.

It's hard to write here while Connor is lying beside me in his bed, halfway waking up. I can pretend to write later but I know he will be dominating the computer time and I won't have a chance.

I am fighting the urge to text her. I did not sleep well, and the morning meditation is dealing with finding peace again. Hah! I was able, slightly at least, to mix yesterday's inventory with today's reading, rather than as two separate paragraphs. I texted her about swapping the bed for the washer yesterday. Since then I am packing (again), and I don't want to see her ever again, and I don't want to have to come back in six months and interact with her. And it's not a good or a bad thing to share with her, I mean, I have to kind of tell her, but my reasons to text her now with that information is only to let her know I am hurt by it. So Danny would say not to text her. 

Damn it. 

The meditation says that when I am relaxed, God's strength will flow through me and I will be at peace. not happening, but I do believe that it will. Someday. And I am disturbing Connor, so I am going to stop typing for now.

Morning meditation four slash three sixty five

Writing makes me miss MySpace. I had readers and interactions there.
Not opening Facebook up helps, I think. Even though I want readers, I don't want to post in there.

Now on to writing, then. I am still tired. i had trouble falling asleep, and I was too tired to read comprehensively this morning. I think my prayer this morning was also shoddy. So am I getting better, or slipping away already? I feel I am improving. Just too much coffee, toss and turned, and am here, typing and about to reread the meditations again.

I should learn to inventory on paper the night before, rather than the mornings. I don't want to rehash what I went through (in my head) yesterday, but I did not write it either. Tenth step stuff. If future Robert is reading this, yesterday was up and down. Mad at god because Kristin showed up at the meeting, but he had Hank there to help me. Mad at god in the back yard later, asking to help me as I cried (note I was crying over my behaviors to her, not her reactions. That's improvement) when Danny called. And I almost didn't answer.)

That's pretty much last night's inventory. Danny hoped that I found peace, and wold be able to sleep. So I tossed and turned about that a bit! Almost texted Ron, about having a sponsor, and about this morning journal writing. As for the next twenty four hours, this is what this journal should be about. I asked Kristin to lunch, because I miss sharing things with her. We will see how (or even if) that goes. I have a wall to fix and a dresser to fix. I need to catch up on filters. i should be too busy to worry about her, or play on the computer, but I am sure that will happen anyway.

I am not sure the AlAnon reading was connected, but the meditation part anyway was very good. My own way of thinking deceives me, it stated. When Hank was sharing, last night, he talked about that voice in his head not being the voice of god. To be honest, he might be right. I have lost enough contact with god to recognize that my eleventh step voice is not there. The true voice of god lies in the meetings, in being open to receiving it through others. And this moment I remembered hearing it from L.E. remember him, and the conversation? The one that lead back to A.A.? God's voice last night was through Hank, sharing about tradition two.

In the Hazelton book it talks about the way unfolding, step by step. God's plan, in other words. Trying.

And it looks like I spent much too much time on last night's inventory rather than this morning's meditation. But I like getting up, and doing this, rather than at night. if it evolves, maybe that is good. But I think at the moment I will keep this up in the mornings, startig the day off much better.

sign off

Morning meditation three slash three sixty five

I guess things are getting better. And they are worse. From a selfish point of view, I guess, they feel worse. Because if I am letting go, and releasing her, that just means this was not the end all be all of relationships. This was not, again, anything but a regular boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

My goals, my expectations are too high?

I goofed yesterday. Argued through text with her after staying away from her all day long. Financial stuff, and when I am moving and all that. She called after the meeting, we talked and figured it out, and I finally felt that it was over. She is not coming back and it felt like i was having a conversation with Caitlin. that one took a long time to get past, but I did.

So I can maybe look her in the eye today. It's a start anyway. I can see her and the majority of my brain and my heart will not want to win her back. We will see how that will pan out.

That is all the yesterday stuff I am writing. I haven't yet written about the twenty four hours ahead, or the meditations. Sort of last night's tenth step to get the ball rolling here. And I have yet to cry today. Again, this is growth, spiritually, but not as far as my brain thinks.

The AlAnon meditation talked about wasting energy trying to control the alcoholic. In the same vein as yesterday's reading, let her go and stop trying to plead excuse or adjust her behavior. That is what I am working toward, with the deeper goal of being able to do that just because she is another alcoholic, not as my partner, or not to get her back as my partner.

The Hazelton book is a bit tougher to interpret, as far as my current situation anyway. Since admitting I am an alcoholic, have I been learning to live accordingly? When i type it out, it does not seem that difficult to interpret! I have not been living my life on the basis of trusting and relying upon god. I did  not call Terrell last night either, and I wanted to. Hopefully I can check in with him tonight. i do not know who he is or anything, except at Ryan's meeting he talked about going through a divorce right now, and gave me his number to help me. he is new, I gather, or fairly new, and one of the few who seemed to reach out to help me.

I guess that is enough writing for now, and it looks like "I guess" is my latest go-to sentence starter, avoiding the word "so". I will work on that. I guess.

Peace and love to yall.

Morning meditation two slash three sixty five

Anger. I have to get rid of it. Already today it is slamming itself into me as if I were at the bottom of a trash compactor. Day two of the new year, of the morning semi-meditation. Getting a ride to work, but got up as if i were taking the bus, just so I had time to read and write. It is an exercise that I know works, and it is about time i made it a part of my routine.

But it should be my three year anniversary today. And we will work together today, and there is no way... yeah there is, but it's hard, to bite my tongue all day, to give and leave this anger with god.

Readings today are good. They start off again about letting go, about carrying the weight of twenty four hours only. The AlAnon one goes a bit further, talking about how I scold and weep in order to change the other person. I am in the right place, and i am wanting to believe that there is a higher purpose to all of this, but

this is where I am now crying. Pause and i am dressed now and still have half an hour before my ride gets here. I need to type Gregory. is that my way of reaching her? It might be, but also I think we need the go between, in order to talk to each other. I can't text her or talk because it will become hurtful I know to avoid the scolding and the weeping, but I don't think I am capable of it once I start a conversation. I mean, not without practice and a go between, and that think think think before saying something rash. "What would Danny do?"

 I feel slightly better again. I did not actually meditate today yet. In the shower it was all about the pain I would be facing today, and before it went to crying pleading to god, it stayed in that anger at her and how not to retaliate. Which I guess this post is also about.

Later

morning meditation one slash three sixty five

Woke up before four. Then at 4:44, which is when I played he words hands, then finally just before 7:30. At that point it took three whole minutes to start crying.

But I did read my meditations, both the Hazelton and the AlAnon books. Tey both talked about living a day at a time. (that was when I started crying, by the way. During the AlAnon reading, thinking both how she should be treating me and how I should have been treating her).

I have to move on. I am scared and alone, (and crying again as I type) and I don't want to. Laura last night reminded me about how when God removes things from us it is still his path. I have not wanted to believe that. It is much easier (and painful) to think that she was my path and I screwed it up. In the book it says that he doesn't make too hard a path for those who honestly seek him. Is that a related thought or did I just free form? I don't know.

I prayed before Peggy. Remember? But throughout the prayer I think I was not in touch with a Higher Power. That was four or five years barely involved in the program.

I prayed before Donna. Did I? I spent so little time with her trying to be god's person.

I didn't pray about Erin. I was in the middle of the program and didn't pray honestly about it.

I did pray about Kristi, though. She was in my arms I was still praying to god that I do right by her. And I did, for a long time. Will I ever find the point at which I stopped? Does that point matter? Over and over again, I do the same things, and I lost this relationship, the one I did not want to lose. Writing helps, because right now I want what is best for her. I will be crying again in ten minutes, but that is the whole point of the meditation this morning.

I am going to make a commitment to writing daily. If I get a ride from Mary in the mornings, yet still wake up at 6:15, I have time for a cup of coffee and meditation, and maybe even ten minutes here. The people i wish to emulate do that, and I have to change something, everything, about what I am doing.

Out.