So I did a fifth step this past month. "Admitted to god, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". It was an incredible weekend. I cleansed my soul. I opened my heart. I had new power flow through. I began again to have a spiritual experience.
The good thing about it was that I didn't have to list every nasty little detail in here for you to read.
The bad thing was I went immediately into isolation mode. I stayed home Monday. I had people over Tuesday, and it helped. By Wednesday i stopped isolating.
What am I afraid of?
This inventory started out due to a relationship. It went well beyond that of course. We tried to end on setting my ideals for my sex life. I started making a list, somewhat related to this, somewhat just exploratory. I am still not sure where it's going, but here is the list so far.
Note: If you really do not want to know me, don't keep reading! And if you are going to read something about someone, and not keep it to yourself, go ahead and hit the x button now please.
1. with Connor's mom I was selfish. I set out running away, and set out with completely selfish motives
2. with Peggy I was hurtful. I set out to hurt her from the beginning.
3. with Tricia I was mostly helpful? Self kept returning. I learned much about "setting her free". This was before and after Erin.
4. with Erin I must've been selfish. It was to keep busy while waiting for tricia. Also, whle looking back at writings from when we started dating I think I was preoccupied with "make this the one"
5. On one hand, I won't settle. i want the magical "forever after". on the other,, I also really believe that there isn't "one person". That several people could be "the one". If you work on your inside you can make almost any relationship be wonderful. the movie "Ratatoullie" anyone can cook. Meaning not everyone is capable of cooking, but the unexpected (the mouse) could end up being the cook. Be open minded!
6. back to Erin. Yeah I love her but I never felt it would be forever.
7. Back to Tricia. I am still holding on (forcing?) to her being 'the one'. Still waiting. But getting better.
8. Which means any relationship next is still 'in between'. Hence I am 'not a keeper'. And I know I can't go into a relationship that way, even telling the person.
9. So what do I do in between? How do I be single? Long term I mean. No, just be out there.
10. all my single time so far has been 'in between'. I always know I would be in another relationship again so I was just having fun in between. A year on, a year off. repeatedly.
11. Is that wrong or unhealthy? Is it better if I am looking for a relationship?
12. I like being in love. I like dating with that possibility of more. I don't date just to have sex. But I do date just to date. Date=dinner and conversation, nothing more. Except that I don't want to turn off feelings either. I am not afraid of being in love. And I don't think I seek it?
13. But I find I am afraid of being in love with the wrong one. And if we go back a few sentences, anybody could be the right one. If I go in through god's eyes, not mine.
14. I am about to be 44. My ideals really haven't changed And they also are more about who I want to be in a relationship rather than who she should be.
15. My trouble stems from following through-from quitting the things that work.
16. that equals fear-but of what? where is the root of that fear?
17. I said last weekend to be a boy scout. Now, since my kid is in cub scouts I have a role model - the troop leader. I hope to talk to him about things.
18. On a side note anybody who gets into a relationship with me will have to understand it plays out in public. In meetings, on faceboook, etc. I am sitting here typing this while in a video chatroom. No, not the naked kind. That's just part of who I have become. I like being exposed and god doesn't seem to mind.
19. I think if I made a list now of "who I'd like to fuck" we could actually get down to the real nitty gritty of my so called 'ideals'! here baby, let me "be helpful" with those jeans.
20. Okay that really was a tangent. But since we are heading that direction let's take a look at what's attractive to me.
21. I like the messed up ones. Maybe that's why Prozac made my resentment list. More than once.
22. I like the intelligent ones. not the intelligent look... sarah palin really turns me off.
23.I like to be needed. But I think that's all about me controlling the relationship
24. I like the independent ones. But that might be so that I can walk away.
25. In a nutshell, I am still clueless and lost. But I am also pretty comfortable with myself.
More (always!) later.
thank you my readers.
