Morning meditation forty two slash three sixty five

I don't want to be here. i am angry and sad. And I want to believe that if I type it here, I won't bring it up to her, because I shouldn't. But a part of me thinks that by typing it, it makes the feelings stronger and with that I will tell her even more convincingly.

That even make any sense? I want to go back to typing for imaginary Connor. I want to type and believe that somebody is understanding, and learning from my mistakes.

I typed all this, by the way, with a few back spaces to fix clumsy typing, but no typos or spelling mistakes.

I don't want to see her with somebody else. Ever. I don't want to be friends with her because some day in the future she will be with somebody else, happy and laughing and attending meetings together and I don't want to see that.That was supposed to be me.

Anyway. The meditation says I am supposed to wait patiently for god's instructions. Trying. The AlAnon book was all about the first step still. I can't fix this. Which is also true.

I pray now that I remember to pray later. I don't want to argue or confront her later, and I pray for the patience to pause and reflect and let the good stuff keep happening.

Let's see how it goes, then, shan't we?

Morning meditation thirty eight slash three sixty five

Sigh.

I am a little lost. And even more frustrated. Why? I guess it's still about Kristin. Loneliness? I don't know.
I like my group. I seem to be a good fit there. Today's meditations were about being in the darkness but closer to god's light. I guess that's appropriate. The AlAnon one was about giving of myself, too.

I made her lunch. But I am expecting something in return. Was, anyway. I kept hoping she would call last night, that she missed me. Also wanted her to stop smoking, because that just smells nasty. I don't know.

Nit picking.

Praying to god for... what exactly am I praying for? I have a sponsor, and a good group, I just want want want. Maybe I am afraid to pray for letting her go. And now I am crying a bit, so yeah. i am afraid of getting better and losing her. So I keep making her lunches and waiting and waiting and I don't know.

Morning meditation thirty two slash three sixty five

We made it into February. Going to be harder to remember the day number when I miss a day or two.

So in the twenty four hours book, the prayer for today was this: that my life may not be spoiled by worry and fear and selfishness. I pray that I may have a glad, thankful, and humble heart. Why can't I remember this more often?

The day ahead, hopefully consists of praying that prayer again today. I will be trying to hang around Kristin as well as trying to avoid her. And helping Ed with filters. I don't have a lot of my own work to do today. I pick up connor tonight after work, and bus it there and back. Stressing... about money. I am not stressing too hard. broke right now, but the stressful part is looking at the bills. coming up, due to Kristin, getting a car. In the moment, and I am okay. It will resolve itself.

I have to make some lunch and gather coins for bus money. Write to you again tomorrow.