August 28th 1987 I decided to "do this thing" without any idea what that meant at the time. Twenty two years later, and somebody something somepower has decided I still have a seat in the rooms; I still have my sobriety.
If I back up a few weeks before that date, a typical night was at least some beers in my system. I had a job, and pretended to maintain my sanity. But I was still drinking every night. Coupled with about a gram of crystal meth every day in order to maintain that "sanity".
Jim was due out of detox. This was a Tuesday night, the 25th of '87. I meet a lot of people now coming out of rehab on this side of the fence, where they are torn between meetings and their friends. On that side of the fence, I knew the score. The score was to stock up, because after seven days of detox, Jim was supposed to be ready to drink. I bought a bottle of something, probably tequila. It was a fifth I know. And a twelve pack. Working through all that alcohol by myself, in the park under a tree, because Jim never answered the phone, I went and bought a second round. This time it was a six pack. And one of those smaller bottles of tequila.
It's a bit weird to know all this. My days at this point pretty much ran together, drinking in a bar, buying speed from my neighbor Mike, passing out and going to work in the morning. But this night I remember clearly.
I ended up at a meeting the next night with Jim. This was the Heil St Group, and it was my home group for seven years. It was three plus years before I missed a Wednesday night meeting there. Ellery and Helen took their birthday. I sat next to a piano against the back wall. I remember nothing yet I can not forget anything about that night. I wish I knew what it was that connected. What I do remember clearly is going into the bathroom, either during or after the meeting. I went to do some more speed. And decided I didn't have to. That maybe this AandA thing can help me kick the dope.
The next day, Thursday, I went to work. I had my beer at lunch and talked about the meeting with Lyle and Dale and whoever else was there at the bar. I decided to give it a try. Of course we know what "my best thinking" does, because I decided to have a "going away" party that night. One last bender before I quit.
Somebody something somepower had other plans for me. Because I went to a meeting that night again.
That next day, Friday, I went to work. I even went to the bar at lunch. I remember wanting a beer and I remember not having one. It bothered me. I went home and finished off what was left of my speed. And I went to a meeting again that night. That was Friday, and my first day of sobriety.
(once in a long while I nitpick. Technically, I was still on that last bit of speed on the 28th. My last drink was on the 27th. I was told to pick a sobriety date and stick with it. It was a few weeks after that meeting, when I realized we had chips for thierty days and for newcomers and such, that I looked back on the calendar to figure it out. So the 28th has always been my sobriety date)
You don't get here from there. you just don't.
Yet here I am.
I get to share my story from the podium in a few weeks. That's always a weird mix of ego and gratitude. Sort of the same as writing on here. I somehow always forget to really get into the "what it's like now" part from the podium. I don't dwell on the drinking, but I do tend to concentrate on the mistakes I've made, both in and out of the program. Perhaps because I am still learning from them.
Anyway, to get on with it, let me explore some of what this past year has been like.
Lonely. Disruptive. Chaotic. Spiritual. Wonderful. Grateful.
In other words, just like any other year. I have a life I have never dreamed of. The steps have taken me into paths I once again never dreamed of or realized I wanted. I grow through pain, like all of us. But I also grow through joy. I have begun again to feed of of it, to water and nurture the joy and let it grow. I lived in my car a few weeks last year, and reached out to newcomers like my life depended on it (because it did). My situation has stablized again, and I still reach out to newcomers in the same way. I have bad days at work and I make amends because I have to. I make mistakes at work and I apologize because I want to, because I want to be helpful. I surrender to my someone something somepower because I am miserable. I surrender my life and my difficulties to that someone something somepower because it is an incredible freedom and I build on that feeling and layer on top of it and climb higher.
If I have ever read your horoscope at the Metro this past year; ever asked you again your name, because I have a lousy memory; sat across from you at a meeting or offered you a cigarette or hugged you after the IHOP; if I've texted you this past year or sent a note here or on myspace, or ever looked at you and smiled or just whined about my day to you, I thank you for being a part of this thing with me.
you continue to teach me and I am indebted.
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