I slept a little more at peace yesterday. Woke up a few times still, but I was able to return to sleep quick enough. Texted to Jeff and Danny, that might have had something to do with it. i still sent an angry text to Kristin, but called her as well and acted grown up.
I still cry though. mostly I am sad at what I lost. them I am angry, either blaming her or mad because her actions now are not nice. I will get over it. But like I wrote already, that just means it was not something special. And now I am turning forty eight, and still looking for whatever it is i think is supposed to be special.
I remembered yesterday who I am. I am the guy who planned on dying alone in a cave. Remember? I need to figure out where that thought originated, and whether or not I believe it.Was there a point where I thought, or felt, that AA made me a different person? I am not sure. And should it? I don't know, and I alternated last night about accepting who I am and crying because that is who I am.
So how to deal with today. I want to run, and hide, and not face her. I want to not have to cry when I see her. I don't know. I don't think I actually prayed today. Not sure that I meditate either. But at least I am writing, and trying in the mornings to start off better. The AlAnon book says to not suffer over the actions of others.My one problem is to improve my own way of living and of looking at life. There is a lot of truth to that.
And then the Hazelton book says to see god's meaning in life.Which reminds me that I am angry at him too. I know, blaming god for my own problems. I was trying to compare this to when I came into AA, new to sobriety. I had no anger with god. There just was nothing about him. It did not matter if he were real or not. I guess I blamed society for my difficulties, because I still do. But I pretty much remember giving the alcoholism to god. I remember being willing to believe in this thing. I was twenty one, I had everything in front of me. Now I am old, still screwed up, I rely on him, I think. For my sobriety at least. maybe that's the catch. I miss White Hat. i was healthy around him. I am not sure that I want to grow now. Not sure I want to put the effort in, and would rather wallow around in this misery. I know that is wrong, and that if I keep doing this, I won't feel that way or act that way. But that's where I am sometimes.
Have a day yall.
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