Anger. I have to get rid of it. Already today it is slamming itself into me as if I were at the bottom of a trash compactor. Day two of the new year, of the morning semi-meditation. Getting a ride to work, but got up as if i were taking the bus, just so I had time to read and write. It is an exercise that I know works, and it is about time i made it a part of my routine.
But it should be my three year anniversary today. And we will work together today, and there is no way... yeah there is, but it's hard, to bite my tongue all day, to give and leave this anger with god.
Readings today are good. They start off again about letting go, about carrying the weight of twenty four hours only. The AlAnon one goes a bit further, talking about how I scold and weep in order to change the other person. I am in the right place, and i am wanting to believe that there is a higher purpose to all of this, but
this is where I am now crying. Pause and i am dressed now and still have half an hour before my ride gets here. I need to type Gregory. is that my way of reaching her? It might be, but also I think we need the go between, in order to talk to each other. I can't text her or talk because it will become hurtful I know to avoid the scolding and the weeping, but I don't think I am capable of it once I start a conversation. I mean, not without practice and a go between, and that think think think before saying something rash. "What would Danny do?"
I feel slightly better again. I did not actually meditate today yet. In the shower it was all about the pain I would be facing today, and before it went to crying pleading to god, it stayed in that anger at her and how not to retaliate. Which I guess this post is also about.
Later
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