After all that texting to Kristin this morning, I do not feel like typing. This is where I am supposed to be typing, i know. Not to her. It was a rough night. Stupid actions and lousy dreams.
The twenty four hours ahead should be okay. Except for the missing her constantly part. Even when I know I do not want her back, when I understand i am feeling only some loneliness, it still bothers me. I get these moments when I think I would give up Connor to be with her. how horrible is that? And when you read this in the future, Connor, hopefully you remember how my brain works. I know you relate, and hopefully you have a better way of coping with your brain waves. I think that you will. I see in you better mechanisms than I possessed. You must get those from your mom's side of the family. Anyway, Connor is the one thing that keeps me from driving off a bridge. He is the one person who keeps the thought from even entering my head. if there is anybody in the world who shows unconditional love for me, it is him. I thank him, and show him best I can when I spend time with him.
So I know how sick i can be in my relationship with Kristi, and yet I still miss it. But this is also how I know that I will recover. I will keep typing and praying in the morning, and things will get better and I will be a part of god's plan, the greater whole.
So the twenty four hours ahead include sending Barbara her Christmas gift, while she is still in California. Also going out to Kroger for milk and stuff. Don't forget the toilet paper. Bike riding, geocaching, and hopefully the 7 pm meeting. Maybe even the meditation before that.
Keep praying for me. It works. And I meet up with my sponsor tomorrow.
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