I guess things are getting better. And they are worse. From a selfish point of view, I guess, they feel worse. Because if I am letting go, and releasing her, that just means this was not the end all be all of relationships. This was not, again, anything but a regular boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
My goals, my expectations are too high?
I goofed yesterday. Argued through text with her after staying away from her all day long. Financial stuff, and when I am moving and all that. She called after the meeting, we talked and figured it out, and I finally felt that it was over. She is not coming back and it felt like i was having a conversation with Caitlin. that one took a long time to get past, but I did.
So I can maybe look her in the eye today. It's a start anyway. I can see her and the majority of my brain and my heart will not want to win her back. We will see how that will pan out.
That is all the yesterday stuff I am writing. I haven't yet written about the twenty four hours ahead, or the meditations. Sort of last night's tenth step to get the ball rolling here. And I have yet to cry today. Again, this is growth, spiritually, but not as far as my brain thinks.
The AlAnon meditation talked about wasting energy trying to control the alcoholic. In the same vein as yesterday's reading, let her go and stop trying to plead excuse or adjust her behavior. That is what I am working toward, with the deeper goal of being able to do that just because she is another alcoholic, not as my partner, or not to get her back as my partner.
The Hazelton book is a bit tougher to interpret, as far as my current situation anyway. Since admitting I am an alcoholic, have I been learning to live accordingly? When i type it out, it does not seem that difficult to interpret! I have not been living my life on the basis of trusting and relying upon god. I did not call Terrell last night either, and I wanted to. Hopefully I can check in with him tonight. i do not know who he is or anything, except at Ryan's meeting he talked about going through a divorce right now, and gave me his number to help me. he is new, I gather, or fairly new, and one of the few who seemed to reach out to help me.
I guess that is enough writing for now, and it looks like "I guess" is my latest go-to sentence starter, avoiding the word "so". I will work on that. I guess.
Peace and love to yall.
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