Good morning imaginary readers. There does not seem to be anybody here along for the ride, but I still like to think that there is somebody there reading along. I like to think that Tricia is out there somewhere.
And I slept in again an extra twenty minutes. there is still time to write here in the mornings. I don't think I can justify this as meditation, honestly. But it is working and it will hopefully evolve organically, and I am going to keep at it. Not sure if I can call it prayer, either, though. I still read the meditations then pray in the shower. If I don't sleep in that ten minutes, maybe I can pray after the shower, after I write, since I am even now mostly not awake. I did not stop and pause a whole lot yesterday, but I remember saying a couple of little prayers here and there, while walking or getting into the golf cart.
I feel like it is evolving into where it should be anyway. And I made it into the double digit days of actually writing in the morning.
Still mad at god. That was what was happening during prayer this morning. When I share outside of my head, and i talk about not liking god, it may appear that i do not believe, that I do not pray to a higher power. That is not the case though, even as I am mad I still know, completely, there is a god who guides my life. He gave me sobriety and he gave me the freedom from smoking. I don't necessarily want to give up the rest, even after twenty five years of practice with this thing. But I am mad because he should know me by now. He should know that at some point everything turns off. I don't seem to be able to control it, and my life turns to shit yet again, and I come back to him for help. I don't know where that trigger point is. But shouldn't he be more loving, more forgiving, more apt to help me realize that it is happening again, and help me to stop doing it?
Yes I see clues in hindsight. Sitting here now on the path to recovery it is easier to see how things affected me and how I turned away. I know about free will, and about him letting me go if I want to. But he should know also that I do not want to, and do something more to keep me in his spirit. Same as why I am mad at my home group, as well, it seems.
Anyway, not sure about the meditations again this morning. AlAnon was directed at living with the sober alcoholic. Well, I guess it was geared toward helping others, even now that our other has recovered and we feel we do not need AlAonon anymore. I can understand that reasoning. The little black book... oh yeah. I opened it again just now, and it is about finding humility. About being stubborn and not asking for help and letting our pride take over.
Irony. Do you see it? Is it as blatantly obvious to you, imaginary reader, the contrast between those last two paragraphs, as it is to me?
Okay, I am ready to get out there in the world, for the next twenty four hours, and see what i can give.
Adieu
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