morning meditation one slash three sixty five

Woke up before four. Then at 4:44, which is when I played he words hands, then finally just before 7:30. At that point it took three whole minutes to start crying.

But I did read my meditations, both the Hazelton and the AlAnon books. Tey both talked about living a day at a time. (that was when I started crying, by the way. During the AlAnon reading, thinking both how she should be treating me and how I should have been treating her).

I have to move on. I am scared and alone, (and crying again as I type) and I don't want to. Laura last night reminded me about how when God removes things from us it is still his path. I have not wanted to believe that. It is much easier (and painful) to think that she was my path and I screwed it up. In the book it says that he doesn't make too hard a path for those who honestly seek him. Is that a related thought or did I just free form? I don't know.

I prayed before Peggy. Remember? But throughout the prayer I think I was not in touch with a Higher Power. That was four or five years barely involved in the program.

I prayed before Donna. Did I? I spent so little time with her trying to be god's person.

I didn't pray about Erin. I was in the middle of the program and didn't pray honestly about it.

I did pray about Kristi, though. She was in my arms I was still praying to god that I do right by her. And I did, for a long time. Will I ever find the point at which I stopped? Does that point matter? Over and over again, I do the same things, and I lost this relationship, the one I did not want to lose. Writing helps, because right now I want what is best for her. I will be crying again in ten minutes, but that is the whole point of the meditation this morning.

I am going to make a commitment to writing daily. If I get a ride from Mary in the mornings, yet still wake up at 6:15, I have time for a cup of coffee and meditation, and maybe even ten minutes here. The people i wish to emulate do that, and I have to change something, everything, about what I am doing.

Out.