Just about unbearable. I cried again last night, almost all night. Have people slowed on their praying for me, perhaps? I spent time following her at work. Helping her out and talking, like friends. She is okay with that. She can go on after and be fine, and I end up curled in a ball because I am not getting enough of it. Went to a meeting at 730, and by the time I was home again I was in tears, and they would not stop until about two this morning.
And I have to do it all over again today. I am scared and angry and hurt, and I don't want to face the day. Which is worse. And I am likely again to have conversation with her, and the weekend is going to be horrible. I know, i am not in the twenty four hours ahead of me right now. Writing to try to set my head straight again before we go to work.
Read the seventh step prayer this morning. I really do want to recover from this. The fact that I cannot sit at home, and take my bike to meetings, and come home and curl up, exactly like I did when I was brand new, does not escape my notice.
The AlAnon book had a story about not exaggerating our troubles, wearing a smile instead of always complaining. I related, to chasing off friends and to adding to my despair. I feel a little bit like I am back at the beginning again, after last night. The Hazelton says to pray only for strength and for god's will. I am trying.
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