Morning meditation eight slash three sixty five

Where am I at this morning? Woke up about three thirty, then slept through until the alarm went off at six fifteen. Which was nice. Tried my seventh step prayer, then my third step prayer. Sort of did them both, wondered as I was praying if I was just mouthing the words. The book talks about when we cannot pray for something we pray for that willingness to come. About all I have is the willingness, and I remember having that alone as a newcomer as well. So the faith is there, that tiny mustard seed kernel of faith. 

I just don't wanna. I whine. Healing means I will get over her, and i don't want to, even when I understand that I  will. Because the alternative is jails institutions or death.

I got home last night after eight o clock, spent time with Connor, and cried. Then it passed. I almost texted her about feeling better (she went home sick) and that passed as well. sigh. This morning I know she isn't coming back, and part of me does not want her back anyway. Because of all those resentments! But I know I will work through those, and when she finally works through hers, she may want a relationship and I don't think I will want one with her by then. It's really over and done. I am sad. I am incredibly hurt and sad, but i am typing this without crying as well. Probably that sliver of anger now, as protection, that I am trying to give back to god. I ask her for closure, meaning i wanted her to come over and cry with me (so I can hold her again). I want to sleep with her one more time. Well, sex I mean, because I want to fall asleep with her every night. I miss that the most.

All this is prolonging the inevitable, and I think I can go on the rest of my life, accept that she is gone.

None of this, really, was about my day yesterday either. Which is different.

So where am I now? What's the meditations for today? I didn't get the AlAnon too much, so let's start there.Okay, it says that even with the difficulties, I will count the blessings that sobriety offers. Hopefully when I am in my office, feeling low, I can physically write a list.

See, the other book also talks about having peace in difficulties. It was 24 years ago I started reading this book, a different copy of it because I remember folding down all the corners as I went, and the book got weird shaped after a while. Now hopefully the words bring me where I should be again.

It's still dark. My ride is coming early. Enjoy your day, imaginary readers.