the two part blog.

I am home now, a night later, and since I have nothing pertinent to talk about from today I can continue with yesterday's journey. And I guess this month of blogging might be less of an inventory than it first seemed. But like I said, they are all individual and who knows where this turns out in three more weeks.

Connor did a great job in class yesterday. I was surprised and impressed and honestly a bit shocked. it was a Monday even, and Monday is usually much worse than Wednesday, getting a long weekend to do no exercises in. Because we made a deal, Connor and myself, to exercise daily, or at least every other day, until he got his yellow belt. My thought was that by that point he will start to see some results, start to feel the difference, and not struggle so much and be willing to continue.

I talked a whole paragraph about his respect for the class, his teacher in there, and I guess I should throw myself into that mix as well. I see it in his eyes, his desire to please me, and I went through some similar feeling this morning that just hit me now. Well I guess it was a gentle slap and not a full fist, because I remember so little of it. But I was just getting off the Truman Parkway at Diamond Causeway. My mind wanders during the ride to work in the morning, and this morning I had Lex and Terry on the radio. I gave up on them a month or two ago, it got repetitive and boring, so I switched it to the rap station, sort of heard it all in the background. And I am typing this out trying to lead up to whatever my mind was going on about, and I haven't placed it yet. By the time I got here they were heading into a commercial and it was 'Ladies day' meaning they weren't taking calls from guys and the one they had just hung up with was a self-proclaimed hot chick who was worried about her husband wanting someone weirder than her. And I have no idea what was going on in my mind, I am forgetting something. Because this was all in the background, and there was a commercial, some sort of feel good inspirational mumble jumble as well and I was thinking about my dad and needing his approval and not spending enough time with him. But again, I cannot tell you exactly why the thought was there, where it germinated from.

And that was much too long of a side note there. Like reading a book with major footnotes that are a page and a half long, and they might as well be part of the book because the only difference is that the font is smaller and more annoying to read, for those of us who need glasses at least and refuse to get them.

He hangs on my words sometimes. Connor, not my dad. He seeks approval and I am glad that for the most part I don't make him seek it, I don't punish him I don't ask much of him. I don't make my own bed and disagree all you want but I don't make him make his bed either. He does what he wants. The cost is that he is kind of selfish. I forget that he doesn't have the world experience to go along with his book smarts. I don't make my bed but I try to do right by my fellow human beings. I try to discuss this with him, and he is smart and he gets it I think, but not in a practical way. It was a week ago Monday he asked me, after taekwondo, if I was mad at him. He did his Army crawl horribly. He stopped in the middle. I had to call out his name (once) and tell him not to stop. The not even trying thing is what bugs me. "I am too weak" he cries and I tell him it's the stopping and rolling over onto his back and quitting halfway across the room that is wrong. He could take twenty minutes and I would not be upset as long as he kept trying. 

That conversation was a few weeks ago. He said he was going to die and I told him that was okay. I told him that we would bring flowers to the taekwondo class every Monday to celebrate his life and to memorialize him. We then got into a conversation about how he did not want people praying for him after he died, and about what to do with his body. That was where I told him I wanted to be buried in the dirt like a tree (and the lead in for that blog the other night!). We got into a conversation as well that same week about living in layers and him being on a different plane of existence sometimes and that I totally related to it.

So Monday after Monday we struggle and I try to yield to his teacher. I don't watch and he doesn't bother trying (I walk to the store and such). So I stay and watch and he just looks over at me and waves instead of trying to hustle. I talk to him about how the other kids get upset at him, how they would have more time for forms if they finished the exercises quicker (they are always waiting for him). I try to be firm without berating and I try to embarrass him (if that little girl is doing it without dying, I don't think you will die from it Connor), and it is a slight struggle, especially on Mondays.

So, getting back to the point, we made a deal to exercise. There were no actual terms, no stick and no carrot (who the hell wants a carrot anyway, that is a reward?), we just agreed to do it until he tested for his yellow belt. And then we don't actually do it. Too busy, or he rushed through them or I don't see hima  few days and he doesn't bother, and I have been texting his mom trying to get more help. And she isn't at home or he just makes excuses, and she is pretty sure he is embarrassed to do them in front of them. And the night, two Mondays past, when he asked again if I was mad at him, I wasn't. He stalled, and I snapped his name at him, and he tried. And the next run, the crab walk I think, he sort of stalled but he was trying, so I wasn't mad. I told him though that he needs to keep trying, try harder, and if he keeps stopping I would be mad.

And this past Monday, yesterday, after not doing any activity all weekend, not since the Wednesday before really, I picked him up and brought him to class and the kid found some sort of inner strength. He was still the slowest Army crawl, but barely. And I watched him go non stop from one side of the gym to the other. He did twenty push ups and he ran, and he did the crab walks and he hit the ball with the paddle and actually did  an outstanding job being a goalie against the kids hitting the ball toward him. And they got to do tumbles, which he loved doing and for some reason knew to land with his hands not his head. Master Jenny came up to us after class, asked us if we were still doing daily exercises. I was honest and said it was all her doing, we barely did any at all after the first few days of our deal. He is getting stronger now, he is trying harder now and it is impressive, and we still have a month before testing.

And I am excited to be a parent right now, even if it is part time. I hope to earn that respect that he shows me, I really do.

Thanks, as always, for reading!