So I had decided to give up my morals for Lent this year. Seriously. Of course a friend told me I had no morals to give up when I told him, but I insist that being Amoral and Immoral are two different things.
Regardless, it did not work out as planned.
Two years ago I had decided to give up a particular girl for lent. That also did not go as planned. She didn't notice at all, actually. I skipped Lent last year, in case you are wondering.
I was allowed to be speaker tonight at the meeting. On Easter Sunday. Me of all people! I used to believe I was the second coming, you know. Well, most of you don't know, hence the need to share it with you. You might think it changed because of my sobriety, and finding god and all that, but that’s not true. It changed when Connor was born.
Now I believe he might be the second coming. At the least I think he has the power to change the world. Better or worse is his decision.
Yes, I am serious. As serious as any of my other writings. Take it as a warped sense of humor or a stretching of the truth or as a manifesto. I don’t mind. As it stands, I got to speak at a meeting on Easter Sunday the year I had decided to give up my morals!.
What I am discovering is I actually live by morals, and I won’t lie to you here. It sucks! There’s the thoughts in my head, and there’s the actions I take. They are two different things. Honestly, they always have been (well, I have to take that back, because I probably wouldn’t have two ex-wives if I had been living with morals), the difference lately is that I recognize them so quickly now. My thoughts show up like these cancerous black spots in my head clouding out who God wants me to be.
It isn’t who I want to be. Not all the time.
I was talking about mirrors and patterns. I might not have been clear, but seeing my past behaviors in somebody else. This actually started a year ago, and I had an argument with a friend. We still haven’t talked to each other since. Then I see it this week again, through somebody else. And it hits me hard and I can’t figure out why, because my past behaviors are just that...past. I haven’t really lived that way in a semi-long while.
And I am now realizing what it is. It’s my thoughts and they haven’t changed, and I tend to be a strong believer that I cannot be condemned for my thoughts, only my actions. And I’ve been fine that way for many years. But now my thoughts appear in my head and they no longer belong there. They are the drunk showing up at the neighbors house not remembering the black eye he dished out the night before. The addict stealing his family’s TV while they’re at work, thinking, really believing that they won’t know it’s him.
This seems to be the essence of the seventh step here doesn’t it?.
So when I gave up my morals for lent, I knew I wouldn’t act on them. I wrote about the married receptionist (oh you didn’t see that one! You ought to give MySpace a look!)... I wrote a bit about the semi-newcomer (and yeah I have exactly what she needs!)... I had the booty call from a few years ago all of a sudden back in my life.
And none of it belongs in my head. It isn’t welcome there. Yeah that sucks! If there’s one thing I don’t want it’s to be sane and well adjusted. What kind of tortured soul writer is that! So when I gave up my morals, it was really just to get to this point. I needed to explore. My god says okay, and shows me mirrors. Good and bad, because not every opportunity was one that would’ve been hurtful. But each an idea that just no longer fit.
I want more! Rather, god wants more for me. He has a plan and I have learned, mostly, to follow along. But let me be honest here, because I sure as hell am going to miss my amorality.
Sigh.
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